Finally...

I finally walk in to the sanctuary. After a long day and tempting to not going because of the rain, I managed to get out of the door just in time. After rushing the kids having dinner of course.

I was a little late when I got there. There was a baptism going on. It turn out today is a baptism service. I never really excited about going to a baptism service. If I know it will be one, I probably decided not to come. For some reason I thought it is boring. So.... I was ready to hear the pastor preach, and look down to the bulletin to find out how many people will get baptized. And... it was 30 people...hahaha....I thought to myself "great, now I'm stuck" I come to see the baptism of the people that I don't know.

As the service goes by, I starting to enjoy it, specially when I listen to their testimonies, the reason why they accepting Jesus, their life before accepting Jesus, and on and on.... It was awesome. I have my own quiet time to think about a lot of things in that very moment. I have this questions for a long time and finally I found it tonight. People will thing I am crazy and dumb, because it's actually very easy answer and it has the logic. BUT for some reason I never got in to that point, I was blind. I found myself get into more trouble when I draw myself near to God. One time I was at the point that I said to God... "Ok God, I probably just let my life a little normal, and not to crazy about You. Because every time I pray harder and read your words every single day, I end up having more burden and harder things to go through". This time is the same thing. As I am going through the desert, I try to draw myself near God, but it seems like the problems keep coming and never ending. I am almost back off a little bit, until tonight, when I am finally got the answer. The answer makes me decide to stay where I am today, to keep myself closer and closer to HIM. The answer was simply the Satan doesn't like the fact that I am close to HIM.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:10-12

Last month I am applying for a federal job. I submitted my resume couple days before the dateline. After a week or so, I got a letter from the agency saying that my application has been rejected, simply because I am not meeting the dateline, my document was late. I was angry, because I worked hard to put all the essay together and whatever they said wasn't true at all. I even keep the receipt from the post office as the evidence that I sent it couple days early. So I called and asked them about my application. The answered made me even mad. This is what they said, " well, this is a government office, it could be get in to the wrong place for several days, sometimes it didn't come right away in to our office. It could be in the mail room. I am like... how in the world should I know that. Aren't you supposed to see the date on the stamp. Anyway, she keep saying that, and I finally had nothing to say. It's not going to change anything and it's not worth it argue about it, because all she know is.... she is right. I pray and I said to God, if this is meant for me and this is for me. It was one of the battle.

I feel that right now God is teaching me to be humble. It's n0t an easy process. It's killing me. Listening to their testimonies today make my first love to God growing. God made me remember when the first time I fall in love with Him. I see things differently. I worship Him, adore Him, do whatever He says. What changed now? I starting to understand a little by a little.

Going through hard time like this is not easy. I need friends to pray for me. I need friends that I can share my burden. I need friends that encourage me. But guess what? It is not easy at all. Most of friends that I know is super busy with their own life, activities, etc. Whenever they called, I only can manage to talk to them 2 mins before they got interrupted with their kids or other things. Usually it ends after... Hi, how are you. Hahahaha.... I started to feel lonely. But then an 8th grader said... when I know Jesus, He become my best friend. I can share everything with Him. Its struck me. I'm like why I never treat Him like one? I shared a lot with Him, but I feel like I treated Him like a scary, intimidated God. Not a loving, friendly and care God. Again...now I understand about being a friend of God. My secret safe with Him, He will never judge me, He will never disappointed me, He will always by my side each and every time I needed Him, He will never walk away from me, He will never too busy for me, He will always there 24 hours for me without interruption, He will never get tired of listening to me. You tell me all the characteristics about having a best friend... He is more than qualified.

God not just teaching me about being humble, but He is also teaching me how to have relationship with Him. I am always in the ministry. Have a ministry. But I treat the ministry as a job, not my passion, not something I do because I love God, but more things that I have to do. That is absolutely sad. Now I understand !!

Thank you God for today. I am not regretting every minute I had in that room watching all the people being baptized. I am hoping next time I see more than 30 people that come to the Lord and accepting Jesus as their savior. What a great gift their received today.

Goosssiippp....

About 4 years ago, in September, suddenly my cellphone received a lot of text messages and my YM appeared with some messages too. I received the news with my heartbeat racing really fast. Everyone told me that my name and my pictures were all over the news. It was on either television or tabloid/newspaper. There was a rumor that spread out, me, being the 3rd person in some one's marriage. Wasn't a proud news for me. The funny thing was, I was already in US for 4 months by that time and it was about 9 months I didn't in contact with that person anymore. My relationship with him was pure professional relations.

It was a big chaos. My mom got interviewed, some of my family wasn't very happy about it. I was definitely angry, specially when I saw what the wife had to say about me. It wasn't a good one. I was so far away and all I could do just silence. I feel like my pride was destroyed, angry, unappreciated, low self-esteem and all my feelings was mixed up together. Once again, there wasn't a lot that I could do that time. Well, as the matter fact, I could encounter or speak for myself, but I chose to silent.

The only thing that I remembered that time was a text message that came from my dad. He wrote this to me : " I trust you". My dad and I wasn't very close. We speak couple times in a year. We see each other may be twice a year. But that day, it was a very touched moment and encouraging words that he sent it to me. Those words are powerful. I can have all the world judging me that time cause they don't know me, but the most important thing was my dad trusted me. Although he didn't exactly know what was going on, but he choose to trust me. It was very nice of him.

This gossip was out twice. That September was the first time. After they couldn't find any evidence supporting the rumors, it was finally slow down. A year later, the wife filed for divorce, and once again my name was involved. This time I just sat down and watched and smile. It was something that didn't make sense. They end up survived and got back together. I was happy to hear that.

After couple years went by, suddenly last week, one of my friend YM me, she said " there is a big news in here". My heart raced again, I wonder what happened again this time. She said " the wife get caught cheating". This time the husband filed for divorced. To be honest with you, that time I probably the cruelest person in the world. I laughed and happy. Well, not because they got divorced, but finally the truth had came out. I never really waited for this time. I can't believe that is actually happening. I feel sad for the husband though. But again, I am glad that I leaved everything to God.

That day when things happened at the first place, I learnt that gossiping is a cruel thing to do. I promised myself not to gossip about anyone anymore, specially when I am not sure about the truth. Gossip is hurtful. You can actually destroying people's life by doing it. I am glad that I didn't respond it further that day. The revenge is God. I let God revealed the truth.

Let's start not gossiping about anyone. Put yourself in that position when you start to think about it.

Dream

I took a deep breath and I feel this is the time. I've been here for 4 years now. I feel like I've been living in the desert for that long. Wondering around, walking around, guessing around and finally tired of it. But this time, I think this is it. I need to pursue my dream. Something that I've been wanting to do for so long, as the matter fact since I was in High School. But I kept putting it behind me and waited for the right time to do it. I figured there will never be a right time. So, couple days ago, I decided to enroll myself at Liberty University pursuing my Master Degree in Professional Counseling. This is something that I would love to do one day when my kids are growing up and doesn't need as much attention like right now.

I know this will be a hard challenge. Well, I never would imagine my life is actually getting easier anyway. So I think I'm up to it. No matter how hard it is, I can do it. God willing He will provide anything I need. Financially, strenght, support, wisdom and seriously anything I need, I believe He will fulfilled that. I just need to work hard. So if any of you know any organization, institution, any resources that giving away scholarship, let me know. ;p

It is a dilemma for me, on the other hand I wanted to raise my kids without any intteruption in life. HAH!! Wonder I could do that. But, I also believe that I have to develop the talent, passion and gift that God had already put in me. For the past 2 years, every single morning, I always sitting in front of my computer, emailing and chatting with different people that needed help, encouragement, advice, etc. I love doing it. It's my passion to be able to set people free and excited about their life and finding the purpose, that is the most important one. Well, it doesn't mean mine is perfect. As a human being I sometimes fall short too. Not just sometimes, a lot. Haha....

I am very excited about this and I am hoping that God will make a way. Again, if this is something He wants me to do, He will open the door for me. Just wish me luck...!!

Good night everyone.....

Weekend

This weekend I decided to take the kids out, since we've been sick for almost 2 weeks. I think they need fresh air. So on Saturday, after lunch, the first destination was library. Yes, I took the chance taking 3 kids to the library, I know it will be a disaster taking Nicole to library and I never wrong about it. But I have to do it anyway. Luckily that Daniella was fall asleep on the way there.

In the library I let Nicole down before she scream and yelling at her brother, because the brother got to walk around and she doesn't. But still, she can't be in the library, she is super loud when she get excited. We found some books for her and she is happy about it. I made it really quick one, Jeremy got what he want right away. As usually chapter book of Star Wars, like there is no other chapter book in the whole library. I was able to managed myself to get some books for me to read. I've been wanting to do it for a long time and finally got some.

When we went out from the door, I know I had to feed Daniella, so I said to Jeremy let's play in the water fountain for a little bit. I was hesitated for a little bit cause I don't want them to get wet. But then I thought, well, who cares if they get wet. It's a nice day and I just don't want to worry about anything. It's not a big deal to get wet and I just let them be kids...

At first Nicole was hesitated to get near the water. It was one of the fountain that you can run around and the water came up from the ground, just like splash water. The kids can actually get wet and they are allowed to run around the fountain and play with the water. Nicole watched what Jeremy was doing. She wasn't sure until I finished feed Daniella and walked with her. She was so thrilled when she finally not too afraid to play with the water. She end up got really wet. But I am so happy that they had a great time. Both of them were playing well and I am glad that they had the moment with each other. Nothing can make me happy when I saw they laughed so free.

After we finished, there was a man standing selling snow cone. Jeremy wanted one. So I said to him, ask the man how much is it? So he went and asked. It was $2. I said, well I don't think I have $2. I know I have $1 bill and I looked for change and found .50 extra in my wallet. So I said to him, well, I don't have enough money, but you could ask that man if he would sell it to you for $1.50. So he went. And the man was kindly said yes. I finally found $1.70 in my wallet. Hah! The man asked me if I wanted another one, when he saw Nicole. I said no...I'll be fine, I don't have enough money with me. But he can't resist to see that little girl waiting in the line hoping to get one too. Hahaha.... Nicole didn't want to share the snow cone with her brother. She thought she is going to have one too. The man finally made one for her. It was very nice of him. I'm so glad that there is still a nice man out there. ;p They both were so happy. They talked about the snow cone and what kind of flavor they got. It makes my heart melt. I don't care all the syrups was all over their shirt. Who cares. We sat down and enjoy the snow cone. Hahahaha..........

We spent 5 hours out that day. I took them to playground and played for an hour. Nicole got to play in her favorite swing and so did Daniella. On the way home they all so tired and took a nap in the car. While I run to get dinner. What a nice day. It was hot but had a really nice breeze. It was a perfect day.

Word of the day

I wanted to try to write or quotes the words that the kids has been saying. Some of them are funny and I wanted to put it on so one day when we look back we can laugh about it.

The other day Nicole made me so angry for drewing on the wall. She did it twice. The one she drew was above her crib and everyday when she go to bed, she always pointing at the wall she drew. One day I asked her...

Nicole : Pointing on the wall...

Mom : Who did that !

Nicole : Monkey... ( she is our monkey!)

Another morning for Nicole :

She keeps jump and run back and forth. I feel like dizzy watching her doing it. So while she is running, I asked her...

Mommy : Are you boy or girl?

Nicole : I'm Aca ( that's her nick name, she called herself that.)

Tonight the girls went to bed early, I think they are really tired. So it was a quiet night. Only Jeremy that still up and he is doing his homework and finishing some coloring. He came to me and asked me...

Jeremy : Mommy, does coloring count as an exercise? Like...finger exercise?

Mommy : Hhhmmmmm.....I dont think so.... ( well, I probably could say yes! but exercise for fingers? )

Have a great weekend...!

Scammed

Writing this story isn't easy at all. I double dare myself to bring this story up, not because I want to selfpity myself, but I believe that God has purposed for this. The reason I share this will be because I want to show HIS faithfulness and protection in my life.

About a month ago, I was looking for a job. We thought it would be nice to have extra money, specially after my husband get laid off couple months ago makes us realized nothing are really secured in this recesion year. So we decided to have an alternative.

It wasn't easy at all for me to find a job. I wasn't apply just for any job, but I am looking for a job that have convinience, close to home, flexible schedule and possibilty work from home. Again after 4 years being a stay home mom, it is hard for me to think about leaving my kids. Specially Daniella, she is still a baby.

Anyway, after searching and searching, one day I found an interesting one. It was too good to be true. Yet, I tried. I applied. It was a personal assistant position. It says that I can work from home and help him to do some errands and any list of jobs that he wants the applicant to do. I thought it was the perfect one. I can earn money and stay at home with the kids. A week later, I got a response, he thinks that my background is perfect with what he is looking for. He wanted to give it a try. And this is where the disaster begin....

The first two weeks, he emailed me couple stuff to do, he said I will receive checks and he wanted me to cash it and send it to an orphanage. The first time everything seems ok. I was able to cashed it. Several weeks later, he said I am going to receive another one. For some reason, that day after I received the package, I decided to go to the bank that I usually go. I know the teller and she always be a friend to me. She always help me in anyway I needed. So I came to her and told her I wanted to cash the checks. She tried to processed it, it didnt go through. I gave her all of it for her to try. Still didn't work. She asked me if I want to just deposit it and withdrawn the money after I deposit the check. BUT she told me how thing works. I decided not to do anything with it. When that happened, my heart starting to race. I knew for sure I am losing my money from the previous one. I was so angry and hoping this is just a mistake. I email the man and he YM me back, he said that he read my email and didn't understand what I was talking about. So I started to ask questions, like where he got the checks. I probably dumb...as dumb as I could be. Again, I was hoping this is just a mistake. He just told me it was from a client. No further explaination. I am trying so hard not to type cursing word to him.

That Night I reported the incident to an organization that works along with FBI. Along with that, I was praying hard and think hard whether I should report to the local police or not and thinking who can I trust. That night I realized I was being scammed. I did a lot of research and sadly it is very common. I don't know why I did not know that. I feel that I was blind until this far. I have no idea about scamming and counterfeit checks or money order. No clue. I didnt even know how it works. I couldn't sleep at all that night. All my feelings are mixed together. Since I had a long night ahead of me, I posted all the stuff that I wanted to sell online. Thing that I've been wanting to do, but I never get a chance and I finally did it that night.

The next day, I received an email from a prospective buyer. From her email, it looked like she works for the government. So I called her back. She didn't pick up her phone, so I left her a message. That afternoon, she stopped by to pick up the stuff that she wanted. We chat for a little bit and I asked her what is she doing. She told me she is a police officer. It blown me up... I said, you are here for a reason. I told her my story and the funny thing is, she is working on investigation cyber crime. She wrote down all the information I have and promised me to check it up for me and will write a police report for me. What a day! I couldn't believe that happened the next day when I need it. God really lay His hands upon me.

Despite of all my feelings...dumb, stupid, betrayed, angry, not confidence, you name it! I just want him to know that he is not smarter than I am. I am smart enough to choose the right way of earning money, smart enough not to use people's hard work to fullfil my needs, a selfish one, smart enough to choose a better life not to live in fear, and not to live on top of people's suffered. Scamming people is the most ridicuolus job. No matter what the reason is. We are the victim is in the same position in needing money to survive, yet we pay for something that we do not own. Above all I am smart enough to know that I have my God that protected me along the way to passed this experience. God had allowed me to go through this for a reason. Although it is a very expensive one.

After this incident happened, I feel that God bless our family more. He provide everything we need. Seriously, everything... I know He has planned something big in front of us. We just have to wait and perseverance. I also wanted to thank my sister - Monique-, without her, I will never be recover again. Thank you so much for picking up every pieces of me when I am having the hardest time in my life. Your prayer and encouragement are great power for me to be alive again. Thank you for always cheers me up and make sure I am doing ok. As you said sis, revenge is belong to God. As it is written in Romans 12:19 ; "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord". I only can sit still and wait for God to do His part. In His time, it will end up worth it to go through all this. I just need to sharpen my discernment next time. Thank God for His protection not to fall twice and I could end up in bigger trouble.

For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future". Jeremiah 29:11

Take one day....

Couple months ago, while I was changing Daniella's diaper... I was in tear, I don't know if it's a tear of joy, sad or just a moment of emotional. Having 3rd baby without any family member wasn't easy at all. Prior to that, we moved twice within 2 months, so it was before and after I gave birth. It took all my energy, emotionally and psychically. I was so exhausted. I was truly a zombie. I think my friend once asked me, how many hours do you actually sleep. I said, I have no idea. So that day - for some reason -, I think I was flashing back the time when Nicole was born. I had no idea how we can survived. I remember telling my husband...is ok honey, take one day at the time, we can go through this, try to survive today. He had to go back to work the next day after I came home from hospital, so he never took day off to help me.

Then suddenly she is turned 1, and now she is 2. I feel like I am repeating a moment again. But this time, again, I am repeating the same word to my husband...hang in there, take one day at the time. We survived before, now we can do it. Now my little angel is 6 months old already and she is just too precious to complain about. Everytime I see her and hold her, I saw God's greatest creation. I just can't stop worshipping Him for what He has done to our family. Giving us the strenght to go through hard time.

Time just flew by so fast. This time we survived. We went through the sleepless night phase, when she turn 4 months she finally sleep through the night. I remember that night we celebrate and I told my husband...finally our hard work is fruitful. We finally can be a normal person, sleep in proper time. Again...this feeling...that keep coming back and forth, the feeling that wanted to be with my family is killing me. Specially after my mom see the kid's picture on Facebook, she will make comment that breaks my heart. Her comment about her desire to hold the baby. Oooo..... I wish Indonesia is only a mile away.

All I can do is just waiting. Waiting for the right time to go back home. I just wish it's not too late ... and I believe in His time, it is never too late.