A Brave Heart

As I write this, I am listening to my favorite song when I was in Elementary school. It's a really old song, called First Love by Nika Costa. When I listened to that song back then, I wondering if one day I will ever find someone that can make me fall in love just like she describe in her song. The feeling of first love is unforgettable. All you can think is that person, the excitement in life, something you look forward to do. Every now and then I always wanted to feel that feeling over and over again. It's just very relaxing and peaceful to be able to feel that again.

I had struggled a lot for the last couple weeks. I was trying to recognize myself if there is something wrong with me. I was hurt, bitter and unloved. I started being sarcasm with people that say they love me. I was at a point get sick of it. I am so tired to hear that. Then I realized why? The word just a word, it meant nothing. There wasn't an act to it. It just something that people have to say. Words to end a conversation? Words to say because there is nothing to say or because they have to say it?

I kept searching if I can find the justification if that is ok for people just to say it without mean it. Or say it but never act on it. I have no luck to find it. Instead, I found that God told us to love each other, love your neighbor, even love your enemy. Is that possible for you to say I love you to your enemy? I don't think so, the only thing you can show it only by act on it. Acting on something to show them how much you love them. Words come out from the mouth just wasn't enough. I wonder how can you tell someone love you, if she never really do anything for you. I guess it is just like your husband or your boyfriend, they will do anything just to show how much they love you. An act of love.

Do I need extravagant love? A brave heart? A heart that can go through the dimension of love. Just sleeping under my blanket, not to get up in the morning and just dream about it. How fun that could be if I have a day to do it and can be fulfilled by it. ;p

How many women out there actually craving for love? Love that they want more and more and more...a never ending one. Why a lot of people can't understand how important it is to have a relationship? Share they feelings? Is that just me because I don't have family in here and all I can depend on is my friends? Why it is so hard just to spend 2 hours over a coffee one night? A night or two over 365 days? If you say you love them, is that hard to fulfilled? Words can be simple ... Quoting a song from Carol King " Words can hurt you, if you let them, people say them and forget them..." I guess that line of song is totally correct. People can just easily say that and then forget them.

Right now I am taking a big heavy step. A courage to put a step in front of my other feet. I want to have a brave heart. A heart that not just wanting being loved, but giving out my love. Fulfilling my passion that God had put it in my heart so I can love others. By not walking on egg shell anymore, open up a lot of chance for me to serve as myself. I am not worry anymore that I will fall and afraid someone will judge me. Having compassion to others truly help me to see another dimension of love, different side of love itself. It's been a really hard lesson for me to understand, but I think I got it at the end. May be I will try not to complain about it anymore. But I can't promise, I am a human being with feelings after all, and still need that love. But I will not let myself get disappointed with that. I believe that walking with Him, I will find it, someone will come in to my life and make me remember how it is to feel loved.

Arggghhhh...."Tell me Teddy Bear why love is so unfair, will I ever find a way and answered to my prayer?"

" Let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're truly living " ( I John 3:19, The Message )

Fall is Coming

As the month has changed, every time I got out from the train, there is no longer the smell of summer breeze, instead it's a fall breeze. A very refreshing one... It's always reminded me the first time we came to US, our transit was in San Fransisco. Stepping out from the plane, the airport's air smells so good. The spring breeze in the morning mixed with the smell of the fresh brewed coffee. Looks like everybody ready to start the day. For some reason it's very memorable. Can't forget that.

It's 7am and I am already in the office. Still half asleep I think. It's been 2 months since I am working. Still not easy. *sigh*. I wish I can just let it go and work, without have to think about what is going on at home. But well,... I am not complaining, try to understand that 4 years stay at home can't be place in just 2 months. It is definitely take some time.

As usual, my life is full of drama. Sometimes I wish I can ask God to give me a break from this episode. ;p Last week my sitter went back home, her son is sick. Thank God I got the replacement right away. But she can't drive, so I have to go to work super early so I can pick up Jeremy.

Right now I am trying to create a blog just for the kids. I wanted them to have their own story written and be memorable. I will let you know once I published it. I hope it will bring a lot of inspiration and helpful information.

I will try to write again soon. I can't believe time has gone so fast. I hope everyone have a great week.

Wonderful Day

As I reached the top of the street from the metro station, I can feel the nice breeze after couple days of hot and humid day. It is a beautiful morning. For some reason I have a great feeling inside me. Feeling optimistic facing my day and thank God for another new day for us. When I got in to my office, hardly people in there and it's nice. I decided to write and catch up with my journal that I had been abandon for a while.

Every day is special to me. It is always something happened in my days. Never passed it without a meaning in life. I feel that God teaching me everyday on the train while I sit and read and say my prayers. Train is my classroom, it is my devotion time. Time alone just me and God, ignoring people around me.

The past two days I was sick and didn't go to work. The girls and I had a terrible cold. Although I am sick, I valued every moment that I have with my kids. Even just for two whole days. It was precious. We had a great time. When I'm home, no TV all day. We did fun things together.

Lately the kids get in to fight a lot. I started to think that this is not a good sign having kids that keep fighting. So I said to them, let's make the rules in the house. I took a big poster card and let Jeremy and Nicole draw on the cardboard. They need to share. Hahaha....a little after 2 minutes, the fight starts. Gosh.... they yelled at each other... it turned out that Nicole took his part and draw on his part. So I talked to them. It is hard to make 2 years old understand thing. ;p But I think I have to. I said to both of them that they are brother and sister. They need to love each other and help each other. One day they will need each other. I want them to get close to each other. After they calm down, we start to write on that poster board. Start from number 1 ... I draw a big heart and say love .... ( Nicole said : caca! ) we laughed.... so I wrote love Caca, Jeremy and Daniella... I wanted to teach them to love each other. Love your siblings.
And it goes until number 11. Including : Do not fight, do not yelled at each other, clean up the mess, obey mommy and papi, help each other, say nice thing to each other, share things except it is a special thing, no lego on the floor, etc.

Here is how we play it : I made the big poster board to lay down the rules, then I made 8 vouchers, and have tokens. Every child that break the rule will get a token. At the end of the week we count the token, who gets the less token will receive a voucher. In a month, if they are able to have 4 vouchers, they will get a reward. They can buy anything they want for things that less than $5. Of course the big brother is very excited and Nicole had no clue. But she will learn. She has to learn to obey and listen and do positive things. I am glad that now they are thinking before they do or say things.

After that we took a wagon ride. It was fun. I borrowed a wagon from a friend. We are heading to the beach next week and wanted to bring that wagon. The kids loved the wagon ride. Mommy had to work hard to pull the 3 of them. I had a wonderful day. What a precious moment.

I miss my previlage to be able to stay at home. Hope this won't last long and I will be able to stay at home again, or at least work from home.

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Responsible

I know it's has been awhile since I'm blogging. Although I have a lot in mind to write, but I just can't squeeze my time in to writing lately. It is driving me crazy when I can't blog. I think the space in my mind is about to be full soon. ;p I wanted to share some of my experience that I had been going through lately. It wasn't an easy one. Well, since when I have an easy experience. But again, I learn my lesson from this event.

I used to think that every adult know about responsibility. But I guess I was wrong. Totally wrong. Since I have kids, I realized that responsibility is something I have to teach them and plant in to them, so they know what is responsible is about when they grow up.

About a year ago, I met one of Indonesian friend in here. She is a well-known person back home. (or may be not) Although her fame is not through herself, but she had a very famous husband. Anyway, the reason I met her just because I was trying to help a friend that needed her and was looking for her. There is when the contact started.

The first time I met her, I had a pretty good impression. After couple meetings, she introduced me her business to me. It's a jewelry business that I am doing now. It is a good business and I enjoy doing it to be honest. Beside it's making a good profit, I got to do it with my best friend and it's so much fun doing it with her.

After couple months knowing her, she asked me to do her a favor. She wanted to have an iPhone through AT&T but couldn't open one account because she doesn't have - either good credit or no credit at all. I asked her couple time if that what she really need, because if you are not a business woman that needed 24 hours connection, it's just a waste, cause you have to pay monthly fee for that. For single mother with 2 teenagers that are going to college at the same time in the following year, I don't think it's necessary. Well, she insisted that she want one and firm about it. So we trusted her.

The first payment was late. I didn't say anything hoping she will contact me to let me know whether she is going to pay it or not or at least let me know if she will be late. But after couple days passed by, I finally called her because I wasn't hear anything from her. Come to my surprised that she actually more angry than I do. (Isn't amazing?) I starting to wonder....Am I the one that owed her? or the other way around? She gave me 1000 pages of her 'to do' list which I don't care, because, that time I also had a very crazy life. I just had a baby, we just moved to a new apartment. Now, I have to be a debt collector? Anyway, couple days after that, she stop by and gave me couple checks for the next couple months.

This month when the bill is due, I cashed the check. Couple days later while I was checking my bank account, I was so confused why there is a returned deposit check plus the fee. Knowing that it's my checking account to pay the bills I don't have a lot of extra money in there. So I called the bank and they told me that the check I deposited is no good. The account in that bank is closed. My natural reaction was - of course - mad !! Not just because the check is returned, but the fact that I have to pay all the fee and messes my account.

I told her what is happening. Instead of apologizing and promising will pay it soon. She argue with me about it. O my goodness. Can people go crazier than that. She said that she swear that she is always remember to put money on that date, or may be I was cashing it the same time as she paid her insurance for $300. Again...who cares? All I know that the check has been returned. Couple days I haven't hear from her about what she is going to do. So I called AT&T to transfer the account or disconnect it. She was freaked out when we did conference call. Typical of her....excuses are always her best bet. She said I can't afford to pay the deposit because I have to pay the rent, insurance, bla...bla...bla....( I don't know what she is saying anymore, cause with all her lists, I put away the phone). So I said to her...look...relax, just let them process the transfer. If you are not eligible for the account, then we disconnect the service as simple as that. We will pay for it first and you just pay us back. She is agreed to it. That night we disconnected the service and cost us $125 to break the contract.

My husband told me she will not going to pay this. So he said, why don't we just take her iPhone, since she won't be able to use it anyway. Not so much because we wanted to use it. We don't! But he just think this is the fair thing to do. She bought the iPhone for $200 with contract, now we pay $125 to break her contract, he thinks it's fair. I didn't agree just because I wanted her to learn a lesson, being responsible.

The next morning, as I sat on the train to work, I read my bible. That day when I opened my bible it was Romans 2 about righteous judgment. It is about teaching us we need to show His kindness, tolerance and patience because God is our judge, not us. Well, you probably need to read the whole thing to make this connect to the story. Anyway, I felt that God ask me to do this for His goodness. So as soon as I got in to my office, I told my husband that I agreed to do what he suggested. I text that woman telling her that we wanted to help her financially. I said, you don't have to pay us back $125, but it would be fair if we trade with the cellphone. You can pay all the charges divided in to 2 months. But I guess I was wrong, once again, she was mad! Hahaha...........I just laughed this time, I was speechless. I said to God, look, I did my best. I try to do the right thing. But it didn't work. If I was her I will take the offered, because it's only half of what she owed. In total she owed about $300. Look, if she is struggling financially we definitely can talk. But as far as I know, she always make a poor priority. She just came back from Hawaii with her daughter, I know the trip was her reward. But again, you still have to spend some money while you were there right? And if you are struggling a lot, because her kids goes to college this year, wouldn't be a right thing to do just to cash the trip and save the money or pay all your debt. That is what bothering me.

Well, I don't want to go to any further details anymore. Until today it is not solve yet. But again I learned my lesson. God teaches me a lot of things and it made come to the understanding of being a Christian. Being a Christian not just about how many hours you put in prayers, reading bible, attending Christian conferences, church and put your days in to fasting if you do not have the character of Christ. I was angry with God for a little just because this woman put herself so high in Christ. She always attending conferences out of town, she told me how many hours she pray, how long she is fasting, etc. But all of that didn't matter because she is not showing her character as she suppose to be. One night while I was pumping, I feel like God said " Look, if I never let you go through this event, you will end up the same. You can praise and read the bible everyday, but you are not showing my character, it will be useless". I am so glad that God lead me along the way. I did finally realize that as much as I wanted to help people and have compassion and being a woman of influence, but if it is not naturally grow, I will struggling and end up keeping a lot of bitterness in my heart. Again, I have to thank God for this. For He is good and always have reasons for things. Things aren't easy, but with Christ I can go through it.

"But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God's wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. God will give to each person according to what he has done. To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life " Romans 2:5-7

New Beginning

This morning as I drove to the train station at 6am, I got the chance to see the beautiful sunrise. In front of me as the sun come out from the east, I thanked God as He fulfilled His promised each and everyday. Suddenly, I can feel His presence through the beautiful nature that He created. I can't stop worship Him, as my tears rolling down to my cheek, I take this as a sign for me to start a new beginning of my life.

As you all know that I've been struggling with a lot of things for the past couple months. It wasn't an easy one, yet through God that gave me strength, I was able to passed it. In fact I can see the wonder of His work through the hard time. Relaying 100% everything on Him, was the right thing to do.

He planned everything so well, I couldn't even help myself to draw away from Him anymore. The long commute that I have to go through everyday, gives me a chance to read His words. I have at least 2 hours of my quiet time on the train. I don't like the commute and the fact that it's wasting my time by taking me away from my kids. All I can do is praying for their protection.

Today, I just want to thank God for all He had done in my life. Everytime I turn my head in each direction, I can see Him doing something great for me. He opened a lot opportunity for us. I can't be more thankful to have Him in my life.

Thank you Jesus.

Song of the season

I picked this song because it is really reflecting what I am going through right now. All I can do is waiting. Here is the lyrics...

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will waitYes,
I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

By : John Waller

Finally...

I finally walk in to the sanctuary. After a long day and tempting to not going because of the rain, I managed to get out of the door just in time. After rushing the kids having dinner of course.

I was a little late when I got there. There was a baptism going on. It turn out today is a baptism service. I never really excited about going to a baptism service. If I know it will be one, I probably decided not to come. For some reason I thought it is boring. So.... I was ready to hear the pastor preach, and look down to the bulletin to find out how many people will get baptized. And... it was 30 people...hahaha....I thought to myself "great, now I'm stuck" I come to see the baptism of the people that I don't know.

As the service goes by, I starting to enjoy it, specially when I listen to their testimonies, the reason why they accepting Jesus, their life before accepting Jesus, and on and on.... It was awesome. I have my own quiet time to think about a lot of things in that very moment. I have this questions for a long time and finally I found it tonight. People will thing I am crazy and dumb, because it's actually very easy answer and it has the logic. BUT for some reason I never got in to that point, I was blind. I found myself get into more trouble when I draw myself near to God. One time I was at the point that I said to God... "Ok God, I probably just let my life a little normal, and not to crazy about You. Because every time I pray harder and read your words every single day, I end up having more burden and harder things to go through". This time is the same thing. As I am going through the desert, I try to draw myself near God, but it seems like the problems keep coming and never ending. I am almost back off a little bit, until tonight, when I am finally got the answer. The answer makes me decide to stay where I am today, to keep myself closer and closer to HIM. The answer was simply the Satan doesn't like the fact that I am close to HIM.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:10-12

Last month I am applying for a federal job. I submitted my resume couple days before the dateline. After a week or so, I got a letter from the agency saying that my application has been rejected, simply because I am not meeting the dateline, my document was late. I was angry, because I worked hard to put all the essay together and whatever they said wasn't true at all. I even keep the receipt from the post office as the evidence that I sent it couple days early. So I called and asked them about my application. The answered made me even mad. This is what they said, " well, this is a government office, it could be get in to the wrong place for several days, sometimes it didn't come right away in to our office. It could be in the mail room. I am like... how in the world should I know that. Aren't you supposed to see the date on the stamp. Anyway, she keep saying that, and I finally had nothing to say. It's not going to change anything and it's not worth it argue about it, because all she know is.... she is right. I pray and I said to God, if this is meant for me and this is for me. It was one of the battle.

I feel that right now God is teaching me to be humble. It's n0t an easy process. It's killing me. Listening to their testimonies today make my first love to God growing. God made me remember when the first time I fall in love with Him. I see things differently. I worship Him, adore Him, do whatever He says. What changed now? I starting to understand a little by a little.

Going through hard time like this is not easy. I need friends to pray for me. I need friends that I can share my burden. I need friends that encourage me. But guess what? It is not easy at all. Most of friends that I know is super busy with their own life, activities, etc. Whenever they called, I only can manage to talk to them 2 mins before they got interrupted with their kids or other things. Usually it ends after... Hi, how are you. Hahahaha.... I started to feel lonely. But then an 8th grader said... when I know Jesus, He become my best friend. I can share everything with Him. Its struck me. I'm like why I never treat Him like one? I shared a lot with Him, but I feel like I treated Him like a scary, intimidated God. Not a loving, friendly and care God. Again...now I understand about being a friend of God. My secret safe with Him, He will never judge me, He will never disappointed me, He will always by my side each and every time I needed Him, He will never walk away from me, He will never too busy for me, He will always there 24 hours for me without interruption, He will never get tired of listening to me. You tell me all the characteristics about having a best friend... He is more than qualified.

God not just teaching me about being humble, but He is also teaching me how to have relationship with Him. I am always in the ministry. Have a ministry. But I treat the ministry as a job, not my passion, not something I do because I love God, but more things that I have to do. That is absolutely sad. Now I understand !!

Thank you God for today. I am not regretting every minute I had in that room watching all the people being baptized. I am hoping next time I see more than 30 people that come to the Lord and accepting Jesus as their savior. What a great gift their received today.

Goosssiippp....

About 4 years ago, in September, suddenly my cellphone received a lot of text messages and my YM appeared with some messages too. I received the news with my heartbeat racing really fast. Everyone told me that my name and my pictures were all over the news. It was on either television or tabloid/newspaper. There was a rumor that spread out, me, being the 3rd person in some one's marriage. Wasn't a proud news for me. The funny thing was, I was already in US for 4 months by that time and it was about 9 months I didn't in contact with that person anymore. My relationship with him was pure professional relations.

It was a big chaos. My mom got interviewed, some of my family wasn't very happy about it. I was definitely angry, specially when I saw what the wife had to say about me. It wasn't a good one. I was so far away and all I could do just silence. I feel like my pride was destroyed, angry, unappreciated, low self-esteem and all my feelings was mixed up together. Once again, there wasn't a lot that I could do that time. Well, as the matter fact, I could encounter or speak for myself, but I chose to silent.

The only thing that I remembered that time was a text message that came from my dad. He wrote this to me : " I trust you". My dad and I wasn't very close. We speak couple times in a year. We see each other may be twice a year. But that day, it was a very touched moment and encouraging words that he sent it to me. Those words are powerful. I can have all the world judging me that time cause they don't know me, but the most important thing was my dad trusted me. Although he didn't exactly know what was going on, but he choose to trust me. It was very nice of him.

This gossip was out twice. That September was the first time. After they couldn't find any evidence supporting the rumors, it was finally slow down. A year later, the wife filed for divorce, and once again my name was involved. This time I just sat down and watched and smile. It was something that didn't make sense. They end up survived and got back together. I was happy to hear that.

After couple years went by, suddenly last week, one of my friend YM me, she said " there is a big news in here". My heart raced again, I wonder what happened again this time. She said " the wife get caught cheating". This time the husband filed for divorced. To be honest with you, that time I probably the cruelest person in the world. I laughed and happy. Well, not because they got divorced, but finally the truth had came out. I never really waited for this time. I can't believe that is actually happening. I feel sad for the husband though. But again, I am glad that I leaved everything to God.

That day when things happened at the first place, I learnt that gossiping is a cruel thing to do. I promised myself not to gossip about anyone anymore, specially when I am not sure about the truth. Gossip is hurtful. You can actually destroying people's life by doing it. I am glad that I didn't respond it further that day. The revenge is God. I let God revealed the truth.

Let's start not gossiping about anyone. Put yourself in that position when you start to think about it.

Dream

I took a deep breath and I feel this is the time. I've been here for 4 years now. I feel like I've been living in the desert for that long. Wondering around, walking around, guessing around and finally tired of it. But this time, I think this is it. I need to pursue my dream. Something that I've been wanting to do for so long, as the matter fact since I was in High School. But I kept putting it behind me and waited for the right time to do it. I figured there will never be a right time. So, couple days ago, I decided to enroll myself at Liberty University pursuing my Master Degree in Professional Counseling. This is something that I would love to do one day when my kids are growing up and doesn't need as much attention like right now.

I know this will be a hard challenge. Well, I never would imagine my life is actually getting easier anyway. So I think I'm up to it. No matter how hard it is, I can do it. God willing He will provide anything I need. Financially, strenght, support, wisdom and seriously anything I need, I believe He will fulfilled that. I just need to work hard. So if any of you know any organization, institution, any resources that giving away scholarship, let me know. ;p

It is a dilemma for me, on the other hand I wanted to raise my kids without any intteruption in life. HAH!! Wonder I could do that. But, I also believe that I have to develop the talent, passion and gift that God had already put in me. For the past 2 years, every single morning, I always sitting in front of my computer, emailing and chatting with different people that needed help, encouragement, advice, etc. I love doing it. It's my passion to be able to set people free and excited about their life and finding the purpose, that is the most important one. Well, it doesn't mean mine is perfect. As a human being I sometimes fall short too. Not just sometimes, a lot. Haha....

I am very excited about this and I am hoping that God will make a way. Again, if this is something He wants me to do, He will open the door for me. Just wish me luck...!!

Good night everyone.....

Weekend

This weekend I decided to take the kids out, since we've been sick for almost 2 weeks. I think they need fresh air. So on Saturday, after lunch, the first destination was library. Yes, I took the chance taking 3 kids to the library, I know it will be a disaster taking Nicole to library and I never wrong about it. But I have to do it anyway. Luckily that Daniella was fall asleep on the way there.

In the library I let Nicole down before she scream and yelling at her brother, because the brother got to walk around and she doesn't. But still, she can't be in the library, she is super loud when she get excited. We found some books for her and she is happy about it. I made it really quick one, Jeremy got what he want right away. As usually chapter book of Star Wars, like there is no other chapter book in the whole library. I was able to managed myself to get some books for me to read. I've been wanting to do it for a long time and finally got some.

When we went out from the door, I know I had to feed Daniella, so I said to Jeremy let's play in the water fountain for a little bit. I was hesitated for a little bit cause I don't want them to get wet. But then I thought, well, who cares if they get wet. It's a nice day and I just don't want to worry about anything. It's not a big deal to get wet and I just let them be kids...

At first Nicole was hesitated to get near the water. It was one of the fountain that you can run around and the water came up from the ground, just like splash water. The kids can actually get wet and they are allowed to run around the fountain and play with the water. Nicole watched what Jeremy was doing. She wasn't sure until I finished feed Daniella and walked with her. She was so thrilled when she finally not too afraid to play with the water. She end up got really wet. But I am so happy that they had a great time. Both of them were playing well and I am glad that they had the moment with each other. Nothing can make me happy when I saw they laughed so free.

After we finished, there was a man standing selling snow cone. Jeremy wanted one. So I said to him, ask the man how much is it? So he went and asked. It was $2. I said, well I don't think I have $2. I know I have $1 bill and I looked for change and found .50 extra in my wallet. So I said to him, well, I don't have enough money, but you could ask that man if he would sell it to you for $1.50. So he went. And the man was kindly said yes. I finally found $1.70 in my wallet. Hah! The man asked me if I wanted another one, when he saw Nicole. I said no...I'll be fine, I don't have enough money with me. But he can't resist to see that little girl waiting in the line hoping to get one too. Hahaha.... Nicole didn't want to share the snow cone with her brother. She thought she is going to have one too. The man finally made one for her. It was very nice of him. I'm so glad that there is still a nice man out there. ;p They both were so happy. They talked about the snow cone and what kind of flavor they got. It makes my heart melt. I don't care all the syrups was all over their shirt. Who cares. We sat down and enjoy the snow cone. Hahahaha..........

We spent 5 hours out that day. I took them to playground and played for an hour. Nicole got to play in her favorite swing and so did Daniella. On the way home they all so tired and took a nap in the car. While I run to get dinner. What a nice day. It was hot but had a really nice breeze. It was a perfect day.

Word of the day

I wanted to try to write or quotes the words that the kids has been saying. Some of them are funny and I wanted to put it on so one day when we look back we can laugh about it.

The other day Nicole made me so angry for drewing on the wall. She did it twice. The one she drew was above her crib and everyday when she go to bed, she always pointing at the wall she drew. One day I asked her...

Nicole : Pointing on the wall...

Mom : Who did that !

Nicole : Monkey... ( she is our monkey!)

Another morning for Nicole :

She keeps jump and run back and forth. I feel like dizzy watching her doing it. So while she is running, I asked her...

Mommy : Are you boy or girl?

Nicole : I'm Aca ( that's her nick name, she called herself that.)

Tonight the girls went to bed early, I think they are really tired. So it was a quiet night. Only Jeremy that still up and he is doing his homework and finishing some coloring. He came to me and asked me...

Jeremy : Mommy, does coloring count as an exercise? Like...finger exercise?

Mommy : Hhhmmmmm.....I dont think so.... ( well, I probably could say yes! but exercise for fingers? )

Have a great weekend...!

Scammed

Writing this story isn't easy at all. I double dare myself to bring this story up, not because I want to selfpity myself, but I believe that God has purposed for this. The reason I share this will be because I want to show HIS faithfulness and protection in my life.

About a month ago, I was looking for a job. We thought it would be nice to have extra money, specially after my husband get laid off couple months ago makes us realized nothing are really secured in this recesion year. So we decided to have an alternative.

It wasn't easy at all for me to find a job. I wasn't apply just for any job, but I am looking for a job that have convinience, close to home, flexible schedule and possibilty work from home. Again after 4 years being a stay home mom, it is hard for me to think about leaving my kids. Specially Daniella, she is still a baby.

Anyway, after searching and searching, one day I found an interesting one. It was too good to be true. Yet, I tried. I applied. It was a personal assistant position. It says that I can work from home and help him to do some errands and any list of jobs that he wants the applicant to do. I thought it was the perfect one. I can earn money and stay at home with the kids. A week later, I got a response, he thinks that my background is perfect with what he is looking for. He wanted to give it a try. And this is where the disaster begin....

The first two weeks, he emailed me couple stuff to do, he said I will receive checks and he wanted me to cash it and send it to an orphanage. The first time everything seems ok. I was able to cashed it. Several weeks later, he said I am going to receive another one. For some reason, that day after I received the package, I decided to go to the bank that I usually go. I know the teller and she always be a friend to me. She always help me in anyway I needed. So I came to her and told her I wanted to cash the checks. She tried to processed it, it didnt go through. I gave her all of it for her to try. Still didn't work. She asked me if I want to just deposit it and withdrawn the money after I deposit the check. BUT she told me how thing works. I decided not to do anything with it. When that happened, my heart starting to race. I knew for sure I am losing my money from the previous one. I was so angry and hoping this is just a mistake. I email the man and he YM me back, he said that he read my email and didn't understand what I was talking about. So I started to ask questions, like where he got the checks. I probably dumb...as dumb as I could be. Again, I was hoping this is just a mistake. He just told me it was from a client. No further explaination. I am trying so hard not to type cursing word to him.

That Night I reported the incident to an organization that works along with FBI. Along with that, I was praying hard and think hard whether I should report to the local police or not and thinking who can I trust. That night I realized I was being scammed. I did a lot of research and sadly it is very common. I don't know why I did not know that. I feel that I was blind until this far. I have no idea about scamming and counterfeit checks or money order. No clue. I didnt even know how it works. I couldn't sleep at all that night. All my feelings are mixed together. Since I had a long night ahead of me, I posted all the stuff that I wanted to sell online. Thing that I've been wanting to do, but I never get a chance and I finally did it that night.

The next day, I received an email from a prospective buyer. From her email, it looked like she works for the government. So I called her back. She didn't pick up her phone, so I left her a message. That afternoon, she stopped by to pick up the stuff that she wanted. We chat for a little bit and I asked her what is she doing. She told me she is a police officer. It blown me up... I said, you are here for a reason. I told her my story and the funny thing is, she is working on investigation cyber crime. She wrote down all the information I have and promised me to check it up for me and will write a police report for me. What a day! I couldn't believe that happened the next day when I need it. God really lay His hands upon me.

Despite of all my feelings...dumb, stupid, betrayed, angry, not confidence, you name it! I just want him to know that he is not smarter than I am. I am smart enough to choose the right way of earning money, smart enough not to use people's hard work to fullfil my needs, a selfish one, smart enough to choose a better life not to live in fear, and not to live on top of people's suffered. Scamming people is the most ridicuolus job. No matter what the reason is. We are the victim is in the same position in needing money to survive, yet we pay for something that we do not own. Above all I am smart enough to know that I have my God that protected me along the way to passed this experience. God had allowed me to go through this for a reason. Although it is a very expensive one.

After this incident happened, I feel that God bless our family more. He provide everything we need. Seriously, everything... I know He has planned something big in front of us. We just have to wait and perseverance. I also wanted to thank my sister - Monique-, without her, I will never be recover again. Thank you so much for picking up every pieces of me when I am having the hardest time in my life. Your prayer and encouragement are great power for me to be alive again. Thank you for always cheers me up and make sure I am doing ok. As you said sis, revenge is belong to God. As it is written in Romans 12:19 ; "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord". I only can sit still and wait for God to do His part. In His time, it will end up worth it to go through all this. I just need to sharpen my discernment next time. Thank God for His protection not to fall twice and I could end up in bigger trouble.

For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future". Jeremiah 29:11

Take one day....

Couple months ago, while I was changing Daniella's diaper... I was in tear, I don't know if it's a tear of joy, sad or just a moment of emotional. Having 3rd baby without any family member wasn't easy at all. Prior to that, we moved twice within 2 months, so it was before and after I gave birth. It took all my energy, emotionally and psychically. I was so exhausted. I was truly a zombie. I think my friend once asked me, how many hours do you actually sleep. I said, I have no idea. So that day - for some reason -, I think I was flashing back the time when Nicole was born. I had no idea how we can survived. I remember telling my husband...is ok honey, take one day at the time, we can go through this, try to survive today. He had to go back to work the next day after I came home from hospital, so he never took day off to help me.

Then suddenly she is turned 1, and now she is 2. I feel like I am repeating a moment again. But this time, again, I am repeating the same word to my husband...hang in there, take one day at the time. We survived before, now we can do it. Now my little angel is 6 months old already and she is just too precious to complain about. Everytime I see her and hold her, I saw God's greatest creation. I just can't stop worshipping Him for what He has done to our family. Giving us the strenght to go through hard time.

Time just flew by so fast. This time we survived. We went through the sleepless night phase, when she turn 4 months she finally sleep through the night. I remember that night we celebrate and I told my husband...finally our hard work is fruitful. We finally can be a normal person, sleep in proper time. Again...this feeling...that keep coming back and forth, the feeling that wanted to be with my family is killing me. Specially after my mom see the kid's picture on Facebook, she will make comment that breaks my heart. Her comment about her desire to hold the baby. Oooo..... I wish Indonesia is only a mile away.

All I can do is just waiting. Waiting for the right time to go back home. I just wish it's not too late ... and I believe in His time, it is never too late.

Iseng

Dah lama banget nggak update blog. Sebenarnya dari Februari kemaren pengen banget bisa nulis, tapi nggak sempat2. Ini aja niatin banget, abis mikir2 tanggung dah begadang tapi tidak menghasilkan kan sia2 jadinya hasil begadangnya. Benernya rencananya dah mau tidur dari jam 12 tadi, tapi alhasil dah jam 1.40 pagi masih blm merem juga. Ampun deh... Padahal seharusnya kesempatan tidur ini dipergunakan sebaik2nya. Soalnya Daniella dah berapa hari ini dah nggak bangun lagi malam. Tidunya dah lumayan panjang.

Mau nulis apa juga bingung...sebenernya banyak tapi dah malam gini, dah malas juga nulis yg pake mikir. hahahaha...

Hari ini Jeremy nggak masuk sekolah, soalnya tadi malam dia ngeluh perutnya sakit sampe nangis2. Tadinya dah mau dibawa ke ER, tapi pikir2 tunggu deh sejam lagi kalau dia masih nangis2 baru dibawa ke ER. Tapi ternyata dia bisa tidur setelah dipindahin ke kamar gue. Ah, mang dasar mau tidur bareng maminya aja. haha....berhubung lagi banyak virus yg beredar akhirnya pagi ini dirumahkan saja deh. Trus suami gue jg masuk siang abisnya dia kira jeremy mau dibawa ke dokter, nah yang ada gue pergunakan kesempatan ini buat bawa Nicole ke lab, buat tes alerginya dia sama ambil darah buat blood count. Soalnya kalau gue bawa serombongan ke lab itu kan biasa nungguny lama, nah takut kelamaan nanti daniella nangis, kan repot. Bener aja tadi nunggu di lab sejaman lebih. Dia sampe dah bosen. Dari rumah udah dibilangin kalau bakal disuntik dan sakti dikit. Dia sih nggak ngerti, sampe di lab juga diwanti lagi dikasih tau bakalan sakit, boleh nangis...tapi jangan teriak2. Soalnya dia itu kalau nangis kenceng banget dan suka teriak. Dia sih masih have no idea. Sampe pas giliran dia duduk di kursi panas, kayanya dia baru tau...pas dia liat jarum suntik di siapin....dia dah ...." mommy au...au..." Kata gue, iya sakit nggak apa cuma sebentar, nanti dikasih stiker princess. Untung pas dimasukin jarum dia nggak nangis kenceng. Cuma nangis2 kecil gitu aja. Sedangkan gue terus2an ngomong ke dia,... it's ok, bentar lagi selesai. Yang ada darahnya diambil 3 tubes. Lumayan juga. Tapi sakitnya terobatin setelah dikasih stiker princess. Langsung ketawa dia dan bye2 sama nursenya. Dasar...!!

Pulang2 senang banget dapat stiker princess, langsung laporan dunk sama papinya. Trus dipamerin juga ke brothernya. Lucu banget. Anak itu kadang2 lucu, kadang2 nyebelin. hahaha....

Kalau Jeremy dirumah enak banget. Daniella bisa tidur siang di cribnya,Nicole tidur siangnya bisa pas jam 2. Kalau Jeremy sekolah, Daniella tidur siangnya kudu ditaruh di car seat, Nicole tidur siang mulai jam 12.30. Soalnya jam 3 teng kudu jemput Jeremy. Daniella kalau lg tidur siang dipindahin ke car seat suka marah. Jd lsg taruh aja kalau dah tidur, pas mau pergi tinggal diangkat. Udah mana dia makin berat. Kalau nggak nenteng car seat diluar masih dingin, malahan repot. Tangan ini dah makin berotot aja nenteng car seat disebelah kanan, gendong Nicole disebelah kiri. Habisnya kalau Nic ngak digendong suka kehilangan arah dia. Bukannya langsung masuk ke mobil, malah jalan sana sini, yang ada kudu ngejer dia. Padahal pagi2 kita suka buru2. hehehe..... Plus maminya bisa tidur siang kalau Jeremy nggak sekolah. That's the best part. Duh udah nggak sabar nunggu diluar panas. At least itu tutupan car seat dah bisa dibuka. Ampun deh gue dah gerah dengan dingin.... hehehe gerah bukannya panas ya? Belum lagi kalau keluar kudu pakai jaket semua. Repot deh....

Daniella skrg dah makin aware sama sekeliling. Dia dah mulai senang main sama Nicole meski lebih sering dianiaya sama Nicole. Hahaha....buat Nicole adiknya itu kaya boneka. Suka banget colokin matanya. Heran....mang boneka bisa dibuka tutup matanya. Kalau Jeremy skrg dah bisa gendong Daniella. Tapi gue kadang masih ngeri. Tapi kadang gua kasih dia pindahin Daniella dari lantai ke bouncernya. So far sih oke lah...meski lucu. Kayanya si Daniella lbh gede dari kakaknya. hahahaha.....

Anyway, time to go to sleep. Untung besok Jumat. Jumat itu always the best day. Kalau mikir Jumat kayanya lbh santai. Lebih tenang menjalani hari. hahaha....
Enjoy your day.

Family Trip to storage

The last two days has been a great day. I hope it will remain that way. The weather was great. It was warm... up to high 50's. Can't wait until Spring.

Today I finally manage myself to get up and went to church. Although that I am end up in the nursery as usual but it was fun, got to talk to some ladies in the nursery. Always fun to talk and share things.

We were planning to go to IKEA after church but then we decided to have lunch at home first and go. I know it will never happen. Once we get home, we will never want to go out again, and I was right. Everybody was taking nap. Daniella did great too. She slept from 2 until 4.30pm. I did too. hahahha....It was great. Never had that quiet nap for so long. After everyone got up we went up to grocery store. I need to get some vegetables and meat for a week. My husband was on the phone when he dropped us. So I had to went inside by myself with 3 kids. It's always makes me nervous entering grocery store with 3 kids. It's like a work out. But this time I manage it well. I got Daniella in baby bjorn, Nicole in the cart and Jeremy can walk. I made him do something for me so he doesn't wondering around and stays with me.

There was one woman, she was pregnant. She saw be carried Daniella and asked me how old is she. She said ' Is she your daughter?' I said yes. Then I went back to my cart where Nicole was waiting for me. Then the woman approached me and asked me again, is she your daughter? Pointing Nicole. I said yes. Then she saw Jeremy, before she ask I said yes. She laughed and shook her head. She may be thought that I am crazy, having 3 little kids going shopping. I just laughed. Nothing I can do really.

I can say the shopping went well, until we got in to cashier, Nicole starting to break down because she wanted to open her biscuit and I am not allowing her to open. I asked her to wait until we got in to car. But luckily it wasn't so bad. She calm down a little bit and I rushed her really quick outside before she really scream. *piuh*

After that we went to the storage. I need to get the girls clothes. Next month already March, and I can't wait for it. It means Spring is coming. I have to get ready for their clothes, I want to make sure that Daniella and Nicole got what they need. So my husband made me down from the car and went in to the storage with 3 kids. There was someone in there and he laughed at us. He said, how fun coming to storage with 3 kids. Yeahhh......!!

My husband joke ... family trip to storage. We can do it every week. It's fun. Hah!!

He will be away for a week. Wish me luck and survive with all of them by myself. Pray that I can still have my sanity. ;p

Have a nice week.

Adult Night

Finally today our dream come true. We talked about this a lot of times, but hardly ever happened. Our care group finally decided to have adult night, where we can actually have an adult conversation, we can actually finish up our sentences, we can have peaceful dinner and of course without interruption. It was nice having dinner with 4 couples at a friend house, no kids.

The first time I walked into the house, I feel really strange. Strange because, every other week when I stepped in to the house, I can hear the kids screaming, running around, or someone is crying. But tonight, it was so quite, no one running around the house, no screaming, and amazingly I went through 3.5 hours without someone calling me "Mommy". Don't get me wrong, I loved when my kids call me mommy, I feel need it. But having no one call me for 3.5 hours, it was really nice. My ears kinda had a break. ;p The only baby that came tonight was Daniella. I can't leave her yet, so she went a long with us. She was good. She slept and then when she got up she just really quiet and smile to everybody.

We talked and enjoyed our dinner that we ordered. It was Italian food. Yumm ... followed with the dessert ... cheesecake, apple pie and ice cream.

I think we feel a little strange, since we hardly can really talk , now that we have the opportunity we had no idea what to talk about. Funny. For our marriage's sake I think we need to start making date every now and then, so we can still have real communication to each other, instead of just talking things on the surface and all about kids. I can't remember when was the last time we went out together, may be 2 months ago. It's about the time to have another one ... again !

The Sound Of The Music...

Gosh, it's been 2 months from the last time I post my blog. Time flies... I never get a chance to update my blog. With 3 little children, it's really eating up my days. But they are growing, just last Monday we were celebrating Jeremy's 6th birthday. I can't believe that my -used to be- baby is 6 now. Nicole will turn 2 next month. Daniella will be 3 months next week. She just born yesterday. Now she is 3 months. Unbelievable.

A lot of things happened in our household since the last time I wrote my blog. I wish I have more time to spend for my blog, I will write tons of the stories about the kids, my struggle with 3 kids, etc. But, one at a time. ;p

Let's start from the kiddos :

Jeremy still love his school, as the matter fact he just got his report card on Tuesday, and all of them were execellent. I was please with all his grades. So I really don't have to worry about school. This coming Wednesday he is going to have a presentation about his research on Dinasour. I will be there and watch him doing his presentation. I can't believe they are doing it in Kindergarten. Good for their lifetime skill. ;p

He just turn 6 couple days ago, he had loooooooong list for his bday present. Until now, he still can't decide what he really want. Since we are not having the party, we let him choose his bday present. Well, there will be a celebration at school on the 3rd week of February, so it will be fun for him to be able to celebrate with his friends.

Right now he is enjoying Daniella,when she is crying he will actually sing for her to calm her down. Sometimes it makes me laugh. I think it is so cute. He said he wanted Daniella stay as a baby. He doesn't want her to grow, he doesn't want more trouble like Nicole does to him. Poor guy !

Nicole still think she is the baby. She likes to steal Daniella's blankie and never want to share one. She has to had her blankie around when she watch her favorite show. She always wants whatever Daniella has....she also not very happy sharing her dad with her little sister. But sometimes she can be nice to her, every morning when we get ready to drop Jeremy to school, when I am trying to get Daniella ready in the car seat, she will hand me her blankie to put on top of her. She knows that. I think it's so cute. She is really has the character being the middle child. It seems like she was born as a middle child. She is developing a lot of words now. She is able to say things in english and indonesia. I love when I ask her to repeat what I said, sometimes she will totally sound it differently. That is the cutest thing. She likes to copy a lot of stuff. So I have to constantly remind Jeremy to do good things so she only follow the good one. Of course her parent too. I am trying to potty train her. She did a great job. She can pup in the toilet now, I hardly have a dirty diaper. Today I am being brave by putting just an underwear and she did great. No wet underwear, she told me when she needs to go. Hopefully by 2, she will be fully train. I'm crossing my finger. ;p

Daniella grow fast for sure. She will be 3 months soon. Where's the time goes? She sleep better now. As the matter fact, she doesn't cry as much as when she was younger when she trying to fall asleep. For one hour cried, now only 5 mins and she will fall asleep. Thank God. I am so used to hear her cry and I think I used to it just like I am listening to the music. Daniella is awake more during the day. I am hoping for a miracle she will sleep through the night soon. She's been doing great for the last couple nights. She slept for 6 hours straight. I really can't complain about it.