A Brave Heart

As I write this, I am listening to my favorite song when I was in Elementary school. It's a really old song, called First Love by Nika Costa. When I listened to that song back then, I wondering if one day I will ever find someone that can make me fall in love just like she describe in her song. The feeling of first love is unforgettable. All you can think is that person, the excitement in life, something you look forward to do. Every now and then I always wanted to feel that feeling over and over again. It's just very relaxing and peaceful to be able to feel that again.

I had struggled a lot for the last couple weeks. I was trying to recognize myself if there is something wrong with me. I was hurt, bitter and unloved. I started being sarcasm with people that say they love me. I was at a point get sick of it. I am so tired to hear that. Then I realized why? The word just a word, it meant nothing. There wasn't an act to it. It just something that people have to say. Words to end a conversation? Words to say because there is nothing to say or because they have to say it?

I kept searching if I can find the justification if that is ok for people just to say it without mean it. Or say it but never act on it. I have no luck to find it. Instead, I found that God told us to love each other, love your neighbor, even love your enemy. Is that possible for you to say I love you to your enemy? I don't think so, the only thing you can show it only by act on it. Acting on something to show them how much you love them. Words come out from the mouth just wasn't enough. I wonder how can you tell someone love you, if she never really do anything for you. I guess it is just like your husband or your boyfriend, they will do anything just to show how much they love you. An act of love.

Do I need extravagant love? A brave heart? A heart that can go through the dimension of love. Just sleeping under my blanket, not to get up in the morning and just dream about it. How fun that could be if I have a day to do it and can be fulfilled by it. ;p

How many women out there actually craving for love? Love that they want more and more and more...a never ending one. Why a lot of people can't understand how important it is to have a relationship? Share they feelings? Is that just me because I don't have family in here and all I can depend on is my friends? Why it is so hard just to spend 2 hours over a coffee one night? A night or two over 365 days? If you say you love them, is that hard to fulfilled? Words can be simple ... Quoting a song from Carol King " Words can hurt you, if you let them, people say them and forget them..." I guess that line of song is totally correct. People can just easily say that and then forget them.

Right now I am taking a big heavy step. A courage to put a step in front of my other feet. I want to have a brave heart. A heart that not just wanting being loved, but giving out my love. Fulfilling my passion that God had put it in my heart so I can love others. By not walking on egg shell anymore, open up a lot of chance for me to serve as myself. I am not worry anymore that I will fall and afraid someone will judge me. Having compassion to others truly help me to see another dimension of love, different side of love itself. It's been a really hard lesson for me to understand, but I think I got it at the end. May be I will try not to complain about it anymore. But I can't promise, I am a human being with feelings after all, and still need that love. But I will not let myself get disappointed with that. I believe that walking with Him, I will find it, someone will come in to my life and make me remember how it is to feel loved.

Arggghhhh...."Tell me Teddy Bear why love is so unfair, will I ever find a way and answered to my prayer?"

" Let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're truly living " ( I John 3:19, The Message )