Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Responsible

I know it's has been awhile since I'm blogging. Although I have a lot in mind to write, but I just can't squeeze my time in to writing lately. It is driving me crazy when I can't blog. I think the space in my mind is about to be full soon. ;p I wanted to share some of my experience that I had been going through lately. It wasn't an easy one. Well, since when I have an easy experience. But again, I learn my lesson from this event.

I used to think that every adult know about responsibility. But I guess I was wrong. Totally wrong. Since I have kids, I realized that responsibility is something I have to teach them and plant in to them, so they know what is responsible is about when they grow up.

About a year ago, I met one of Indonesian friend in here. She is a well-known person back home. (or may be not) Although her fame is not through herself, but she had a very famous husband. Anyway, the reason I met her just because I was trying to help a friend that needed her and was looking for her. There is when the contact started.

The first time I met her, I had a pretty good impression. After couple meetings, she introduced me her business to me. It's a jewelry business that I am doing now. It is a good business and I enjoy doing it to be honest. Beside it's making a good profit, I got to do it with my best friend and it's so much fun doing it with her.

After couple months knowing her, she asked me to do her a favor. She wanted to have an iPhone through AT&T but couldn't open one account because she doesn't have - either good credit or no credit at all. I asked her couple time if that what she really need, because if you are not a business woman that needed 24 hours connection, it's just a waste, cause you have to pay monthly fee for that. For single mother with 2 teenagers that are going to college at the same time in the following year, I don't think it's necessary. Well, she insisted that she want one and firm about it. So we trusted her.

The first payment was late. I didn't say anything hoping she will contact me to let me know whether she is going to pay it or not or at least let me know if she will be late. But after couple days passed by, I finally called her because I wasn't hear anything from her. Come to my surprised that she actually more angry than I do. (Isn't amazing?) I starting to wonder....Am I the one that owed her? or the other way around? She gave me 1000 pages of her 'to do' list which I don't care, because, that time I also had a very crazy life. I just had a baby, we just moved to a new apartment. Now, I have to be a debt collector? Anyway, couple days after that, she stop by and gave me couple checks for the next couple months.

This month when the bill is due, I cashed the check. Couple days later while I was checking my bank account, I was so confused why there is a returned deposit check plus the fee. Knowing that it's my checking account to pay the bills I don't have a lot of extra money in there. So I called the bank and they told me that the check I deposited is no good. The account in that bank is closed. My natural reaction was - of course - mad !! Not just because the check is returned, but the fact that I have to pay all the fee and messes my account.

I told her what is happening. Instead of apologizing and promising will pay it soon. She argue with me about it. O my goodness. Can people go crazier than that. She said that she swear that she is always remember to put money on that date, or may be I was cashing it the same time as she paid her insurance for $300. Again...who cares? All I know that the check has been returned. Couple days I haven't hear from her about what she is going to do. So I called AT&T to transfer the account or disconnect it. She was freaked out when we did conference call. Typical of her....excuses are always her best bet. She said I can't afford to pay the deposit because I have to pay the rent, insurance, bla...bla...bla....( I don't know what she is saying anymore, cause with all her lists, I put away the phone). So I said to her...look...relax, just let them process the transfer. If you are not eligible for the account, then we disconnect the service as simple as that. We will pay for it first and you just pay us back. She is agreed to it. That night we disconnected the service and cost us $125 to break the contract.

My husband told me she will not going to pay this. So he said, why don't we just take her iPhone, since she won't be able to use it anyway. Not so much because we wanted to use it. We don't! But he just think this is the fair thing to do. She bought the iPhone for $200 with contract, now we pay $125 to break her contract, he thinks it's fair. I didn't agree just because I wanted her to learn a lesson, being responsible.

The next morning, as I sat on the train to work, I read my bible. That day when I opened my bible it was Romans 2 about righteous judgment. It is about teaching us we need to show His kindness, tolerance and patience because God is our judge, not us. Well, you probably need to read the whole thing to make this connect to the story. Anyway, I felt that God ask me to do this for His goodness. So as soon as I got in to my office, I told my husband that I agreed to do what he suggested. I text that woman telling her that we wanted to help her financially. I said, you don't have to pay us back $125, but it would be fair if we trade with the cellphone. You can pay all the charges divided in to 2 months. But I guess I was wrong, once again, she was mad! Hahaha...........I just laughed this time, I was speechless. I said to God, look, I did my best. I try to do the right thing. But it didn't work. If I was her I will take the offered, because it's only half of what she owed. In total she owed about $300. Look, if she is struggling financially we definitely can talk. But as far as I know, she always make a poor priority. She just came back from Hawaii with her daughter, I know the trip was her reward. But again, you still have to spend some money while you were there right? And if you are struggling a lot, because her kids goes to college this year, wouldn't be a right thing to do just to cash the trip and save the money or pay all your debt. That is what bothering me.

Well, I don't want to go to any further details anymore. Until today it is not solve yet. But again I learned my lesson. God teaches me a lot of things and it made come to the understanding of being a Christian. Being a Christian not just about how many hours you put in prayers, reading bible, attending Christian conferences, church and put your days in to fasting if you do not have the character of Christ. I was angry with God for a little just because this woman put herself so high in Christ. She always attending conferences out of town, she told me how many hours she pray, how long she is fasting, etc. But all of that didn't matter because she is not showing her character as she suppose to be. One night while I was pumping, I feel like God said " Look, if I never let you go through this event, you will end up the same. You can praise and read the bible everyday, but you are not showing my character, it will be useless". I am so glad that God lead me along the way. I did finally realize that as much as I wanted to help people and have compassion and being a woman of influence, but if it is not naturally grow, I will struggling and end up keeping a lot of bitterness in my heart. Again, I have to thank God for this. For He is good and always have reasons for things. Things aren't easy, but with Christ I can go through it.

"But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God's wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. God will give to each person according to what he has done. To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life " Romans 2:5-7

Monday, July 6, 2009

New Beginning

This morning as I drove to the train station at 6am, I got the chance to see the beautiful sunrise. In front of me as the sun come out from the east, I thanked God as He fulfilled His promised each and everyday. Suddenly, I can feel His presence through the beautiful nature that He created. I can't stop worship Him, as my tears rolling down to my cheek, I take this as a sign for me to start a new beginning of my life.
As you all know that I've been struggling with a lot of things for the past couple months. It wasn't an easy one, yet through God that gave me strength, I was able to passed it. In fact I can see the wonder of His work through the hard time. Relaying 100% everything on Him, was the right thing to do.
He planned everything so well, I couldn't even help myself to draw away from Him anymore. The long commute that I have to go through everyday, gives me a chance to read His words. I have at least 2 hours of my quiet time on the train. I don't like the commute and the fact that it's wasting my time by taking me away from my kids. All I can do is praying for their protection.
Today, I just want to thank God for all He had done in my life. Everytime I turn my head in each direction, I can see Him doing something great for me. He opened a lot opportunity for us. I can't be more thankful to have Him in my life.
Thank you Jesus.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Song of the season

I picked this song because it is really reflecting what I am going through right now. All I can do is waiting. Here is the lyrics...

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will waitYes,
I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

By : John Waller

Finally...

I finally walk in to the sanctuary. After a long day and tempting to not going because of the rain, I managed to get out of the door just in time. After rushing the kids having dinner of course.
I was a little late when I got there. There was a baptism going on. It turn out today is a baptism service. I never really excited about going to a baptism service. If I know it will be one, I probably decided not to come. For some reason I thought it is boring. So.... I was ready to hear the pastor preach, and look down to the bulletin to find out how many people will get baptized. And... it was 30 people...hahaha....I thought to myself "great, now I'm stuck" I come to see the baptism of the people that I don't know.
As the service goes by, I starting to enjoy it, specially when I listen to their testimonies, the reason why they accepting Jesus, their life before accepting Jesus, and on and on.... It was awesome. I have my own quiet time to think about a lot of things in that very moment. I have this questions for a long time and finally I found it tonight. People will thing I am crazy and dumb, because it's actually very easy answer and it has the logic. BUT for some reason I never got in to that point, I was blind. I found myself get into more trouble when I draw myself near to God. One time I was at the point that I said to God... "Ok God, I probably just let my life a little normal, and not to crazy about You. Because every time I pray harder and read your words every single day, I end up having more burden and harder things to go through". This time is the same thing. As I am going through the desert, I try to draw myself near God, but it seems like the problems keep coming and never ending. I am almost back off a little bit, until tonight, when I am finally got the answer. The answer makes me decide to stay where I am today, to keep myself closer and closer to HIM. The answer was simply the Satan doesn't like the fact that I am close to HIM.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:10-12
Last month I am applying for a federal job. I submitted my resume couple days before the dateline. After a week or so, I got a letter from the agency saying that my application has been rejected, simply because I am not meeting the dateline, my document was late. I was angry, because I worked hard to put all the essay together and whatever they said wasn't true at all. I even keep the receipt from the post office as the evidence that I sent it couple days early. So I called and asked them about my application. The answered made me even mad. This is what they said, " well, this is a government office, it could be get in to the wrong place for several days, sometimes it didn't come right away in to our office. It could be in the mail room. I am like... how in the world should I know that. Aren't you supposed to see the date on the stamp. Anyway, she keep saying that, and I finally had nothing to say. It's not going to change anything and it's not worth it argue about it, because all she know is.... she is right. I pray and I said to God, if this is meant for me and this is for me. It was one of the battle.
I feel that right now God is teaching me to be humble. It's n0t an easy process. It's killing me. Listening to their testimonies today make my first love to God growing. God made me remember when the first time I fall in love with Him. I see things differently. I worship Him, adore Him, do whatever He says. What changed now? I starting to understand a little by a little.
Going through hard time like this is not easy. I need friends to pray for me. I need friends that I can share my burden. I need friends that encourage me. But guess what? It is not easy at all. Most of friends that I know is super busy with their own life, activities, etc. Whenever they called, I only can manage to talk to them 2 mins before they got interrupted with their kids or other things. Usually it ends after... Hi, how are you. Hahahaha.... I started to feel lonely. But then an 8th grader said... when I know Jesus, He become my best friend. I can share everything with Him. Its struck me. I'm like why I never treat Him like one? I shared a lot with Him, but I feel like I treated Him like a scary, intimidated God. Not a loving, friendly and care God. Again...now I understand about being a friend of God. My secret safe with Him, He will never judge me, He will never disappointed me, He will always by my side each and every time I needed Him, He will never walk away from me, He will never too busy for me, He will always there 24 hours for me without interruption, He will never get tired of listening to me. You tell me all the characteristics about having a best friend... He is more than qualified.
God not just teaching me about being humble, but He is also teaching me how to have relationship with Him. I am always in the ministry. Have a ministry. But I treat the ministry as a job, not my passion, not something I do because I love God, but more things that I have to do. That is absolutely sad. Now I understand !!
Thank you God for today. I am not regretting every minute I had in that room watching all the people being baptized. I am hoping next time I see more than 30 people that come to the Lord and accepting Jesus as their savior. What a great gift their received today.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Goosssiippp....

About 4 years ago, in September, suddenly my cellphone received a lot of text messages and my YM appeared with some messages too. I received the news with my heartbeat racing really fast. Everyone told me that my name and my pictures were all over the news. It was on either television or tabloid/newspaper. There was a rumor that spread out, me, being the 3rd person in some one's marriage. Wasn't a proud news for me. The funny thing was, I was already in US for 4 months by that time and it was about 9 months I didn't in contact with that person anymore. My relationship with him was pure professional relations.

It was a big chaos. My mom got interviewed, some of my family wasn't very happy about it. I was definitely angry, specially when I saw what the wife had to say about me. It wasn't a good one. I was so far away and all I could do just silence. I feel like my pride was destroyed, angry, unappreciated, low self-esteem and all my feelings was mixed up together. Once again, there wasn't a lot that I could do that time. Well, as the matter fact, I could encounter or speak for myself, but I chose to silent.

The only thing that I remembered that time was a text message that came from my dad. He wrote this to me : " I trust you". My dad and I wasn't very close. We speak couple times in a year. We see each other may be twice a year. But that day, it was a very touched moment and encouraging words that he sent it to me. Those words are powerful. I can have all the world judging me that time cause they don't know me, but the most important thing was my dad trusted me. Although he didn't exactly know what was going on, but he choose to trust me. It was very nice of him.

This gossip was out twice. That September was the first time. After they couldn't find any evidence supporting the rumors, it was finally slow down. A year later, the wife filed for divorce, and once again my name was involved. This time I just sat down and watched and smile. It was something that didn't make sense. They end up survived and got back together. I was happy to hear that.

After couple years went by, suddenly last week, one of my friend YM me, she said " there is a big news in here". My heart raced again, I wonder what happened again this time. She said " the wife get caught cheating". This time the husband filed for divorced. To be honest with you, that time I probably the cruelest person in the world. I laughed and happy. Well, not because they got divorced, but finally the truth had came out. I never really waited for this time. I can't believe that is actually happening. I feel sad for the husband though. But again, I am glad that I leaved everything to God.

That day when things happened at the first place, I learnt that gossiping is a cruel thing to do. I promised myself not to gossip about anyone anymore, specially when I am not sure about the truth. Gossip is hurtful. You can actually destroying people's life by doing it. I am glad that I didn't respond it further that day. The revenge is God. I let God revealed the truth.

Let's start not gossiping about anyone. Put yourself in that position when you start to think about it.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Dream

I took a deep breath and I feel this is the time. I've been here for 4 years now. I feel like I've been living in the desert for that long. Wondering around, walking around, guessing around and finally tired of it. But this time, I think this is it. I need to pursue my dream. Something that I've been wanting to do for so long, as the matter fact since I was in High School. But I kept putting it behind me and waited for the right time to do it. I figured there will never be a right time. So, couple days ago, I decided to enroll myself at Liberty University pursuing my Master Degree in Professional Counseling. This is something that I would love to do one day when my kids are growing up and doesn't need as much attention like right now.
I know this will be a hard challenge. Well, I never would imagine my life is actually getting easier anyway. So I think I'm up to it. No matter how hard it is, I can do it. God willing He will provide anything I need. Financially, strenght, support, wisdom and seriously anything I need, I believe He will fulfilled that. I just need to work hard. So if any of you know any organization, institution, any resources that giving away scholarship, let me know. ;p
It is a dilemma for me, on the other hand I wanted to raise my kids without any intteruption in life. HAH!! Wonder I could do that. But, I also believe that I have to develop the talent, passion and gift that God had already put in me. For the past 2 years, every single morning, I always sitting in front of my computer, emailing and chatting with different people that needed help, encouragement, advice, etc. I love doing it. It's my passion to be able to set people free and excited about their life and finding the purpose, that is the most important one. Well, it doesn't mean mine is perfect. As a human being I sometimes fall short too. Not just sometimes, a lot. Haha....
I am very excited about this and I am hoping that God will make a way. Again, if this is something He wants me to do, He will open the door for me. Just wish me luck...!!
Good night everyone.....

Monday, June 1, 2009

Weekend

This weekend I decided to take the kids out, since we've been sick for almost 2 weeks. I think they need fresh air. So on Saturday, after lunch, the first destination was library. Yes, I took the chance taking 3 kids to the library, I know it will be a disaster taking Nicole to library and I never wrong about it. But I have to do it anyway. Luckily that Daniella was fall asleep on the way there.
In the library I let Nicole down before she scream and yelling at her brother, because the brother got to walk around and she doesn't. But still, she can't be in the library, she is super loud when she get excited. We found some books for her and she is happy about it. I made it really quick one, Jeremy got what he want right away. As usually chapter book of Star Wars, like there is no other chapter book in the whole library. I was able to managed myself to get some books for me to read. I've been wanting to do it for a long time and finally got some.
When we went out from the door, I know I had to feed Daniella, so I said to Jeremy let's play in the water fountain for a little bit. I was hesitated for a little bit cause I don't want them to get wet. But then I thought, well, who cares if they get wet. It's a nice day and I just don't want to worry about anything. It's not a big deal to get wet and I just let them be kids...
At first Nicole was hesitated to get near the water. It was one of the fountain that you can run around and the water came up from the ground, just like splash water. The kids can actually get wet and they are allowed to run around the fountain and play with the water. Nicole watched what Jeremy was doing. She wasn't sure until I finished feed Daniella and walked with her. She was so thrilled when she finally not too afraid to play with the water. She end up got really wet. But I am so happy that they had a great time. Both of them were playing well and I am glad that they had the moment with each other. Nothing can make me happy when I saw they laughed so free.
After we finished, there was a man standing selling snow cone. Jeremy wanted one. So I said to him, ask the man how much is it? So he went and asked. It was $2. I said, well I don't think I have $2. I know I have $1 bill and I looked for change and found .50 extra in my wallet. So I said to him, well, I don't have enough money, but you could ask that man if he would sell it to you for $1.50. So he went. And the man was kindly said yes. I finally found $1.70 in my wallet. Hah! The man asked me if I wanted another one, when he saw Nicole. I said no...I'll be fine, I don't have enough money with me. But he can't resist to see that little girl waiting in the line hoping to get one too. Hahaha.... Nicole didn't want to share the snow cone with her brother. She thought she is going to have one too. The man finally made one for her. It was very nice of him. I'm so glad that there is still a nice man out there. ;p They both were so happy. They talked about the snow cone and what kind of flavor they got. It makes my heart melt. I don't care all the syrups was all over their shirt. Who cares. We sat down and enjoy the snow cone. Hahahaha..........
We spent 5 hours out that day. I took them to playground and played for an hour. Nicole got to play in her favorite swing and so did Daniella. On the way home they all so tired and took a nap in the car. While I run to get dinner. What a nice day. It was hot but had a really nice breeze. It was a perfect day.